Tuesday, December 16, 2003


Every holiday season you can count on a few fruitcake-themed features from the so-called "news" media. So I thought to myself, Spitbull's gotta get on this bandwagon! (I think the Warrior Monk is off hibernating somewhere, recovering from his recent spate of late night postings, so can't make trouble for me here).

The weird thing is, I haven't seen a fruitcake in the flesh since the 1970's (note to friends/family: refrain from sudden fruitcake gift for me this xmas; joke obvs.) So I'm skeptical of all the reports of 1.5 million fruitcakes shipped to 200,000 countries (and this from just one bakery) and total sales of over $100 million. Where are do all the fruitcakes go? (Yes, I'm aware of Johnny Carson's famous thesis that there's only one, and it just hasn't gotten to me yet.)

I poked around and discovered that fruitcake can be made in heart-healthy, diabetic-friendly, pumpkin, vegetarian, gluten-free, cornflake, "free range" (?), and even alcohol-free (what's the point?) models. Of course, they're all billed as appealing even to fruitcakeaphobes.

In the process, I think I solved my mystery: the fruitcakes are confiscated by airport security, just as fast as they're made.

Now, if I could only figure out where all the candy canes I hang on my Christmas tree disappear to, I'd be set.


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