SPITBULL

And he also needs to fire Rumsfeld, says Friedman. Immediately, today, before he finishes writing the next sentence. And then he needs to flagellate himself and sing a chorus of "Mammy." And then, just maybe, slice his head open with a sword in one of those Shiite grief rituals. Why, you ask? Because of what happened at Abu Ghraib.

Friedman would have us believe there are teeming multitudes out there who want to like us, are trying to like us, but just can't get a leg over because we keep doing awful things to break their hearts. Luckily, they're so open-minded and forgiving that we might be able to win them back if we put the Friedman plan into action and have Bush give Hosni Mubarak a rim job. Which, of course, is horseshit. If anti-Americanism is as rational and fact-intensive as Friedman implies, why does it seem to be flourishing in places notorious for their violent, irrational prejudices? France is Europe's most anti-American country; to hear people who live there tell it, it's also on the verge of some kind of Nazi renaissance. What would Friedman's shame orgy accomplish in the minds of people like that except maybe give Le Monde's douchebag cartoonist the chance to draw Bush weeping tears that look like little oil barrels or something?