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Sunday, May 22, 2005

THEY'RE NOT JUST ANY OLD SQUIRRELS 

Technorati tag:As Nick Coleman has unaccountably failed to provide the local bloggers with any fisking fun of late, everyone's been amusing themselves by taking the latest blog quiz: Is Governor Pawlenty Presidential Material Or Just A Big Meanie? The results are neatly dictated by whether or a not a particular blogger was invited to the Governor's meet and greet last Tuesday:
  • "[Governor Pawlenty] proved to be an engaging, affable host who genuinely seemed to enjoy the opportunity to converse with members of the emerging 'alternative' media." Chad The Elder - Invitee.
  • "If you like to handicap Presidential primary candidates, I'd suggest including Tim Pawlenty in your calculations." Cap'n Ed - Invitee.
  • "It would be universally acknowledged by those who had the privilege of attending that we were in the presence of a rare talent." Kennedy v. The Machine - Invitee.
Compare and contrast:
  • "Governor Pawlenty must be brought down." KAR - NON Invitee.
  • "Why not just invite the M.A.W.B. Squad in for a friendly chat? You know how it is with men when they're lost. They can never just ask for directions." M.A.W.B. Squad - NON Invitee.
  • "The real reason for the snubbing is that Pawlenty knows he can’t buy us off with a few free drinks. And unlike certain bloggers who (surprise) were invited to the mansion, we’re not going shamelessly cheerlead for the Governor. We relish our outsider image." Nihilist in Golf Pants - NON Invitee.
Spitbull, as ever, succeeded in having it both ways: The Warrior Monk suited up and went and I (the invitation was addressed to "Spitbull blogger," which I assume meant either or both of us) struck a blow for our blog's outsider image by abstaining.

Not to say the Warrior Monk isn't an outsider--sometimes he's barely a member of the human race--but he had urgent reasons for biting the bullet. As described by Insider Chad the Elder:
... Governor Pawlenty and the Warrior Monk from SPITBULL shake hands after the Governor agrees to consider WM's request to call out the National Guard and wage brutal and uncompromising war against the insurgent squirrels who keep the WM awake at night.
You chuckle.

However squirrels, even more than the MAWB Squad, are clearly plotting world domination. Just two days after the Warrior Monk's prescient warning, The Washington Post described the stealth takeover of our nation's capital by black squirrels. Decendants of just eighteen insurgents who crossed the border from Canada in 1902 and 1906:

They appeared in Bethesda, Silver Spring and Chevy Chase in the 1960s, perhaps using the Rock Creek Stream Valley as a highway north from the District. One survey of Bethesda in 1990 found that about 25 percent of the squirrels there were black.

To the east, the squirrels crossed the city a few decades ago to colonize the National Arboretum and Capitol Hill. To the south, they made it across the Potomac River into Arlington, where naturalists say they've seen black squirrels since at least the 1980s.

At this rate, they'll reach the Twin Cities in about -- hell you do the math.

I'm impressed by the tactics of Vagn Flyger, a retired University of Maryland professor:
Flyger devoted himself to studying squirrels because, as he explains it, they weigh less than a deer and don't bite like a polar bear. He used to smear a tree behind his Silver Spring home with a mixture of peanut butter and Valium and then tattoo the squirrels that he found passed out below.
Take note, O Warrior Monk: Drugs and tattoos (let's ignore the peanut butter issue). They go together like Oreos and milk!

We may not need the National Guard after all.

1 Comments:

The black squirrels are already here. I noticed a pair in a little park just east of Lake of the Isles.

By Blogger Heartland Red, at 2:06 PM  

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