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Wednesday, December 31, 2003

BARRY ENDORSES KUCINICH 

From an online interview appearing in this Sunday's Washington Post Magazine:
Kent, Ohio: Hey Dave -- from a humor perspective, who would you like to see win the Democratic presidential nomination?

Dave Barry: Sharpton is genuinely funny. But my man Dennis K. is also VERY strong.
No word yet from Letterman and Stewart as to whether they plan to follow suit.

BANG THE POT SLOWLY 

As I keep telling the Monk, I'm saving my persona for our season finale. Until then, I can't help but drop hints along the way. If you care to try, see what you can get out of this:

I've been invited to a New Year's Eve party, which I won't be attending. I decided long ago that I don't enjoy celebrating "that giddy boozy interval between what was and what will be." (I actually don't know anyone who admits enjoying New Year's Eve parties--big ones, that is--now what does that say about my circle of acquaintances?) Looking back upon all my prior New Year's Eves (and there have been a frightening number of them), I can think of only three evenings with fondness:
1. A big boozy party I attended as a child. The boozers were my parents and their friends, none of whom were able to get babysitters that evening, of course, and so in desperation brought the kids along and stowed us on a different floor. My friends and I took turns executing daring raids into the grownup territory, returning with candy contraband and tales of how the adults didn't notice a thing, which we found hysterically funny and proof of how dull grownups are and how clever we were.

2. A dinner party I attended which culminated with a flaming dessert (actually, I think I always enjoy New Year's Eve dinner parties).

3. A lonely New Year's Eve I spent in New York City. I had moved there only two months before and knew few people other than my roommate. As we shared a bottle of champagne, we heard a strange noise outside. A child accompanied by someone who appeared to be her father was walking down the dark and empty street in front of our apartment building banging on a pot with a wooden spoon.
Well, I'm not in possession of a wayback machine and haven't been invited to any dinner parties this year so I've decided to go with the pot thing and press everyone I'm with into service.

Listen for us tonight. Oh yes, and have a Happy New Year.

Tuesday, December 30, 2003

DUCT TAPE THAT ALMANAC SHUT! 

A new entry in the annals of Weird Advice From Our Government On How To Protect Ourselves From Terrorism: FBI issues alert against Almanac toters.

Monday, December 29, 2003

PIZZA POLITICAL PROGNOSTICATION 

Reuters reports:
[P]eople with "Dean for President" bumper stickers on cars in their driveways tipped 22 percent higher than people with "Bush for President" bumper stickers. People with "Bush for President" bumper stickers were three times more likely to order meat-topped pizzas than "Dean for President" drivers.
No word on Lieberman or Kerry supporters' tipping styles or preferences. Every one else might as well concede now. It's definitely gonna be a Bush v. Dean race.

A LOOK AT MY NAVEL 

Spitbull experienced a mini-Instalanche starting this last weekend when Howard Bashman at How Appealing took note of our Circuits of Hell postings (7th and 9th). Now the one true god of Instalanches has had one of his own caused by his post about, of all things, cookware. I guess it wasn't really an Instalanche though; it was a surge in e-mail, not link, traffic (do we need some new jargon?).

Spitbull's sudden traffic spike shouldn't be all that surprising (I was surprised anyway). An obvious corollary to Joe Carter's (of the Evangelical Outpost) rule #1 to becoming a top blog ("be a lawyer") is to write posts that appeal to lawyers. But Glenn Reynolds' cookware experience makes me wonder: is there any way to generalize about what posts people find interesting? Post comments would be one measure and they're pretty easy to find and therefore to automate. Eschaton's famous (or infamous) Saddam capture post had over 350 comments when I checked it on December 14 (the comments are still there but the total no longer appears). But there's no easy way to figure out the e-mail traffic provoked by a particular post.

The two most significant features of blogging are, to my mind: (1) it's interactive; (2) it's cheap to free. Both features are important not only to blog visitors but also to bloggers. We bloggers do this for free (almost always) and one form of non-monetary recompense we receive is the illusion that people find what we write to be of interest. Since we here at Spitbull rarely get e-mail and we don't (yet) use Movable Type with its built-in comments feature, site and link traffic is our best indicator of reader interest. (The unkind ribbing of our family and friends doesn't count).

Okay. Now we'll see if Aaron Haspel of God of The Machine is right: "one key lesson of blogging: since the most devoted audience of blogs is bloggers, navel-gazing will always boost your hit count."

Friday, December 26, 2003

TWISTED TITLE #4 

This week's selection is:
Don't Tell Daddy What the Mailman Brought Mommy Today

Wednesday, December 24, 2003

WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS, WE WISH YOU ... 

I've had the opportunity to attend not one but TWO kid Christmas programs this year. Like the superiority of Charlie Brown's Christmas to all the celeb razzle-dazzle xmas numbers, there's nothing like a nice amateurish children's Christmas program held together with rubber bands and tape to make you feel like maybe, just this year, you might be able to get in the proper yuletide mood.

The first was a dance "recital" that while, not strictly Christmas themed, sent the little pink-clad ballerina-hopefuls to tumble and twirl to a number of Christmas music chestnuts. The teacher/toddlerwrangler was hugely pregnant but gamely mimed the moves to help her confused charges through their numbers. One little sugarplum spent about half her number adjusting her tutu. Among the parental paparazzi was one James Lileks who posted a snapshot of his progeny here.

The other was an honest-to-goodness musical Christmas Program put on by a local K-8 Catholic school. The kindergarteners were adorable in their low budget tinsel halos and paper accordion wings. Afterwards, one of the moms I knew pointed out a little boy and confided that he was definitely *not* typecast. But oh what a difference nine years makes! The eighth graders consisted of a bunch of beautiful vampy girls (one looked ready to belt out a number at some Las Vegas casino) and greasy pudge pot boys who grinned and elbowed each other. I vaguely remember this from my youth but finally getting an outsider perspective on it makes the whole situation look tragic.

I feel my own Christmas tree embodies the entire spectrum. Bedecked with homemade snowmen and tinsel, it is both earnest and slutty. Now to await Santa...

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

NINTH CIRCUIT OF HELL 

Crescat Sententia and the Curmudgeonly Clerk disagree about Ninth Circuit Judge Alex Kozinski, coiner of the famed (in some circles, at least) Toyota Principle of personal responsibility: "You asked for it, you got it." Will Baude of Crescat thinks he sounds like a lot of fun; the Clerk thinks he sounds insufferable. Both opinions were prompted by a recent Legal Affairs profile in which Judge Kozinski himself provides the definitive (I believe) opinion: he's "sort of weird" (offered as an explanation for why he was turned down by 18 of 20 law firms after graduation).

If specifying which of your six pet chickens (say, Veronica or Heckle) laid the particular eggs you are giving away as gifts (to your clerks? the profile doesn't say), one oddity cited in the profile, is weird, then what about keeping score of the mice executed by your cat (an eccentricity displayed by Seventh Circuit Judge Richard Posner)? Maybe all great jurists are kind of weird.

The profile depicts a judge in love with making trouble. His clerk rejects an email: "You can't send this. It's not as if we're not being listened to! Come on, Judge, it's just too much." Sounds like the makings of a great blogger, though.

Monday, December 22, 2003

WE MAY NOT BE FAIR BUT WE TRY TO BE BALANCED (Part 2) 

We have the Arabs to thank for bringing us the spirits.

Friday, December 19, 2003

TWISTED TITLE #3 

This week's selection:
Tripling Your Lemonade Stand Sales With Vodka

Thursday, December 18, 2003

BUBBLICIOUS 

Although I still have not been swayed from my former anti-quiz stance, recent reader submissions have softened me up a bit and now I have capitulated entirely.

Admittedly, these submissions are examples of generators rather than quizzes. You could say the fact I prefer them to quizzes shows I don't like being asked questions and would rather control the game (a statement that could also be made of Saddam Hussein--but would he ever use a moniker like "Eloise" for his blog?). Or, more likely, I'm simply making a shameless play for blog traffic.

If you want more, you can find a Nigerian scam email generator and many other toys here and here. I'm sorry, it's just that you all seem so overworked...

EVERY JOKE NEEDS A BUTT 

Here's a round-up of some of the Saddam humor cooked up by our nation's corps de comedians. My favorite is "Hiding in Holes for Dummies — A Reference for Gutless Dictators." The Warrior Monk favors a more pictorial view.

Wednesday, December 17, 2003

PRESIDENTIAL ROLEPLAY 

Harvard's Berkman Center and the Howard Dean Campaign have just teamed up to offer a public discussion, using very expensive non-blog technology, of what you would do if you were elected President of the United States in 2004. At least that's what I think they're asking--there is a lot of dross:
[...]

Now you are President of the United States, a position perceived by many as responsible for the health, safety, financial security and well-being of two-hundred sixty million people, plus the peace and prosperity of the entire world. You are also responsible to the mandate of your campaign -- to change the role of the president of the United States, shifting power from the White House and to the American people. The night after you are elected, you receive 2 million email messages from supporters. Not surprisingly, each supporter seems to believe that he or she has been elected co-president and stands ready to guide your domestic and foreign policy.

How do you, elected on a platform of citizen empowerment, govern? What opportunities and challenges are made possible by the personal relationships and communities that your campaign has established? How will your government be shaped by social software and political engagement? What is your personal role as president
?
You all are dying to get in on the discussion, aren't you?

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

FRUITCAKE MYSTERY SOLVED! 

Every holiday season you can count on a few fruitcake-themed features from the so-called "news" media. So I thought to myself, Spitbull's gotta get on this bandwagon! (I think the Warrior Monk is off hibernating somewhere, recovering from his recent spate of late night postings, so can't make trouble for me here).

The weird thing is, I haven't seen a fruitcake in the flesh since the 1970's (note to friends/family: refrain from sudden fruitcake gift for me this xmas; joke obvs.) So I'm skeptical of all the reports of 1.5 million fruitcakes shipped to 200,000 countries (and this from just one bakery) and total sales of over $100 million. Where are do all the fruitcakes go? (Yes, I'm aware of Johnny Carson's famous thesis that there's only one, and it just hasn't gotten to me yet.)

I poked around and discovered that fruitcake can be made in heart-healthy, diabetic-friendly, pumpkin, vegetarian, gluten-free, cornflake, "free range" (?), and even alcohol-free (what's the point?) models. Of course, they're all billed as appealing even to fruitcakeaphobes.

In the process, I think I solved my mystery: the fruitcakes are confiscated by airport security, just as fast as they're made.

Now, if I could only figure out where all the candy canes I hang on my Christmas tree disappear to, I'd be set.

Friday, December 12, 2003

LIBERTARIAN SHMIBERTARIAN 

The Elder at Fraters Libertas is impressed with Joe Carter's post on why he is not a libertarian. I am impressed by Berkeley Breathed's explanation on the same subject:
"I'd be a Libertarian, if they weren't all a bunch of tax-dodging professional whiners." (via the Onion)
Time to 'fess up Monk!

UPDATE: Professor King Banian at SCSU Scholars dodges the question.

WE MAY NOT BE FAIR, BUT WE TRY TO BE BALANCED 

Here at Spitbull, we often get our noses out of joint at the bias and most egregiously, the sheer laziness of the media. But we don't really think they belong in the lowest circle of hell, we just sometimes talk trash. Here's proof: journalists can sometimes be heroes (via Romenesko).

TWISTED TITLES 

This week's selection:
Playground Bullies Love Boys Who Wear Pink

Thursday, December 11, 2003

NIGHTMARE ON SCHOOL STREET 

Everyone I know has had the standard "oh my god it seems it's finals time and I totally forgot to go to class and didn't crack a book all semester what do I do?" anxiety nightmare. But I had no idea teachers have their own version:

I dreamed I was reading my students' course evaluations, and all their comments were not only negative, but horribly detailed. ...here's the proof, I thought to myself, looking at the evaluations, that I've got to change careers.[more-by a Midwestern English professor]
I feel very sympathetic. Nightmares suck, both during the throes and often upon reflection ("how embarrassing that I'm so wigged out by *that* little thing").

Did I tell you I didn't see most of The Wizard of Oz until after college? I was so scared of the tornado scene, had nightmares for years, that I never made it past Dorothy's arrival in Munchkinland.

Something else I'm not terribly proud about: yes, I felt sympathy, but there is also some kind of guilty pleasure in knowing that teachers go bump in the night too.

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

ARE YOU QUIZZICAL? 

2Blowhards (an excellent blog I plan to petition the Warrior Monk to include on our blogroll) had a post several weeks ago entitled "Greats I Don't Get." The post invited visitors to answer the question "what indisputably great art do you blank out on?" Of course, it's lovely to have such an erudite writer give his readers permission (nay, practically beg them) to dislike some great art. I read the post, and eventually some of the comments (there were over 100) with interest, and then realized that I was way out of my league. So I'd like to go downmarket a bit and pose (and, of course answer) the the question "what indisputably popular Internet form do you blank out on?" Well, I don't get Internet personality quizzes.

It seems everyone loves personality quizzes. I don't; I've never even been slightly tempted to take one. But I'm kind of fascinated by their very existence. You can find out where you stand on the political compass (even the Warrior Monk succumbed to this one) or, more specifically, whether you are a neoconservative, an imperialist or a fascist.

For the less political among you, you can find out about which characters from any number of movies (Pulp Fiction, The Princess Bride, Pirates of The Caribbean, Star Wars, Dune), television shows (M*A*S*H, Buffy the Vampire Slayer and even Saved By The Bell; there are too many Friends quizzes for me to provide a link) and books (Lord of the Rings and its other trilogy mates, Harry Potter, Lolita and even The Brothers Karamazov) you most resemble. Feeling juvenile? Find out which Teletubby, Powerpuff Girl or Winnie-The-Pooh character is your evil twin.

Are you you a geek? A freak? The web knows all. Are you pretentious? A complainer? Or, god help us, a romantic, perhaps a jealous one?

If you learn you are boring, you can find out whether you are a baby bore, car bore or rock bore. And then what? Professional help, I suppose.

Well, are you a Positive Thinker? No? Don't despair! Find out your true thinking "style"
and then get advice about which college would best benefit from it.

Some folks evidently care to know what flavor Tic-Tac they would be, were they a Tic-Tac. Not a Tic-Tac fan? Maybe you'd like to know what animal cracker, fruit, dessert, wine or even pattern (?) you *really* are.

Hey! Computer nerds! Want to know which operating system, HTML color or computer virus best describes you? No takers?

But don't think all quizzes are so frivolous! You can find out how many days you have left before departing this vale of tears (Wait! perhaps you should first select a religion, with expert help of course). The carrot (or stick)? Your designated circle of hell.

Oh yes, and there's my favorite: How Gullible Are You?

Legal Disclaimer: SPITBULL IS PROVIDING THESE LINKS TO YOU ONLY AS A CONVENIENCE, AND THE INCLUSION OF ANY LINK DOES NOT IMPLY ENDORSEMENT BY SPITBULL OF THE SITE. Especially because I haven't tried any of them. I remain, to this day, an Internet Quiz Virgin because I Just Don't Get Them. Please explain.

UPDATE: Virginia Postrel at Dynamist is California and Glenn Reynolds at Instapundit is 31.25% owned by his weblog (both via quizzes I didn't include because the post was already so long). Atomizer at FraterLibertas and The Chosen Monkey at Infinite Monkeys are both plaid. And me? I am .... still stumped.

Friday, December 05, 2003

TWISTED TITLES 

When we were wee, the Warrior Monk and I were both fans of the Rocky & Bullwinkle Show's Fractured Fairy Tales. We think they stopped running them by 1970 (yes, this dates us), so we were overjoyed when we able to get our hands on a similarly twisted series and can bring these finds to you, our precious readers. (Let's just say we mugged an elf to get them; she's normally an upstanding citizen who never expected her darker side to see the light of day and we're now a bit afraid for our lives. Blogging can be a *very* risky proposition...)

With great fanfare we announce our new Friday Feature: not ready for primetime children's book titles!
1. Encyclopedia of Pointy Things Guaranteed to Put Your Eyes Out
Visit Spitbull each Friday for a new offering. If you feel so inspired, email us with your suggestions of new titles. The fun never stops here at Spitbull!

Thursday, December 04, 2003

WESLEY CLARK WILL MAKE US RICH 

Several weeks ago (we're so on top of things) the New York Times ran an article about the plans of a '90s dotcom millionaire to cash in on this here blogging phenomenon. The millionaire reportedly spends only "several hundred dollars to buy ads tied to certain keywords on Google's search engine, like 'Anna Wintour,'" thus cheaply beckoning traffic to his sites. This traffic he turns into cash, ala flax into gold, by selling ads via Google's AdSense.

Here at Spitbull, we get a significant portion of our traffic from searches like (and I'm not making this up) "Brett Favre shirtless," "Doug Flutie shirtless," and (do you sense a theme yet?) "Wesley Clark shirtless." (If not for the quarterback-centric harbingers, we'd have chalked up the last as a mis-keying of "Wesley Clark shitless.") With this undoubtedly coveted demographic hanging on our every word, we figure we're ready to cash in too.

But wait! The editor and publisher of Radar is quoted as warning "The low cost and few barriers that have made blogs an attractive business proposition may turn out to be their undoing, as everyone and their grandmother will soon have a blog."

Now we're worried. Are we everyone? Or our grandmother? (Please, God, please: no search for "grandmother shirtless.")

Monday, December 01, 2003

AND 40% OF NOTHING IS! ... OH I GET IT... 

Welcome old and new visitors to our humble home. If you feel the site does not live up to the advertised "high standards," we apologize. The spike in traffic caused by the FratersElder's recent link is causing interference with the smooth functioning of our commentary. Please visit again when we have receded back into obscurity and we are certain you will be better accommodated.

Oh, and I guess we forgive the "spawn" comment.