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Wednesday, June 30, 2004

PLUS, EVERYONE KEEPS TALKING LOUDER AND LOUDER 

Not only are we told it's getting hotter on Planet Earth, but now we learn the light is moving faster too. And not just here, but everywhere.

Tuesday, June 29, 2004

SPINNING MAKES ME DIZZY 

I listened to Hugh Hewitt's radio show last night and admired his textbook cross-examination of a steady stream of loony Farenheit 911 fans (plus one loony right wing conspiracy theorist) who called in To Set Hugh Straight. He asked each and every one of them what part of the movie they found most persuasive (they all seemed unprepared for the question even though he was a one-trick questioner here). Whatever they answered, he had the facts to counter it. You could hear the callers' gears seize up.

I'm a lousy cross-examiner myself. The only time I did a succesful cross examination, I began to realize the witness was testifying while drunk. Although I can't be sure that all of the callers were sober, Hugh's cross-examinations were almost TV drama-like in their succinctness. Aha!

The parade of rebuttal, while entertainingly delivered, merely cemented my determination not to see the movie. You see, I am a terribly manipulable. Especially by movies. I cried at E.T., weeped while fuming at myself for being such a sap, then laughed, exactly where the filmakers had decreed that I should. It's something about the visual input. Don't send me mean mail. I know I'm pathetic. It's beyond repair. I once cried at an affecting episode of The Bionic Woman
.
OK, I was very young then. But I still don't trust myself. Mr. Moore himself protests he isn't "trying to pretend that this is some sort of, you know, fair and balanced work of journalism." So if I were to see the movie I'd have to take the time to study up on all the misrepresentation exposes, to counter the influence potential. Hugh may have time to both marshal the facts and watch the movie, but I have better things to do.

Monday, June 28, 2004

PIRATE MANIA 

In one of those cute life coincidences that can make stoner kids go "whoa!" I happened to watch Pirates of the Caribbean (DVD at home) on Friday night and attend Pirates of Penzance on Saturday (Guthrie Theater).

I started enjoying the Caribbean Pirates as soon as Johnny Depp appeared (up until then it was set-up-the-story scenes; necessary and mercifully quick) but the Penzance Pirates left me scrambling for something to praise (what great costumes! maybe I should start mixing hot pink and orange in my wardrobe) when I ran into a neighbor at intermission. It didn't help that the audience started chortling during the introductory remarks (please turn off your cell phones ha! ha! ha!) leaving me feeling like a space alien missing that essential human humor impulse. It always seems to take me longer than those guffawers to get into a production and the immediate merriment of others simply makes me fume, slowing the process still further. But there was a keystone cops scene 2/3 of the way through won me over and by the time Queen Victoria descended from the clouds in a balloon I was finally enjoying the spectacle.

So today I'm going to wear an orange dress.

UPDATE: Coincidentally (whoa!), Lileks today laments the absence of group guffawers; without them, he says, the last Marx Brothers movie is less funny than it otherwise would have been. But I'm guessing the movie (I haven't ever seen it) just ain't funny today and even group laughter wouldn't save it.

Friday, June 25, 2004

SOME SLOPPY SOLIPSISM FOR YOU (though our traffic logs confirm you are mere imaginary figments) 

I have the answers to all your most important questions:
Q: Why has it been so [... Expletive Deleted ...] cold here this spring/summer? A: Because after years of planning and saving, this April I finally installed central air conditioning.

Q: How will the handoff of sovereignty in Iraq go?
A: It will be an absolute disaster because June 30 is my birthday.
UPDATE: someone in the administration must have read this and discovered the unacceptable risk posed by the original date; they moved up the handoff by two days to June 28.

TWISTED TITLE #30 

This week's incorrect children's title:
101 Ways to Welcome the Substitute Teacher
(Alternative Title: "101 Uses For Spiders and Snakes")
To see last week's title, click here.

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

MY MOB 

Sales of Clinton's memoir "My Life" are reportedly setting records. In New York City Clinton was greeted like a rock star with cheers and groupies:
I'm smitten with him," said Lisa Borinsky, a furniture maker from New Jersey who arrived on Monday evening to sleep in line. "The only true aphrodisiac in this world is power and the man exudes power, which makes him unbelievably attractive.
Even here in the Twin Cities, although there were no mobs (this is, after all, the Midwest), someone bought a copy at the downtown Barnes & Noble "every five minutes or so." So what's going on in Jacksonville?
There was one customer waiting to buy My Life when owner Rona Brinlee opened the Book Mark in Atlantic Beach Tuesday morning. And there was one person at the door when Barnes & Noble on Atlantic Boulevard opened.

"But I think he was waiting for the coffee," said Jennifer Grey, a department manager.

Staci Wyatt, general manager at Books-A-Million on Atlantic Boulevard, said there had been a few sales of My Life that morning, along with a few calls from customers.

"But as far as it flying off the shelves," she said, "it's not. Maybe people are waiting for the reviews."
Or maybe they've already seen the reviews.

(Thanks to John for the tip)

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

THEN DOES SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH MAKE YOU SAD? 

Love makes you dumb and happiness makes you mean.

Monday, June 21, 2004

THEORISING SELF-REALIZATION: UNBALANCED CHAKRAS EVERYWHERE 

Michael Blowhard of 2Blowhards invents a new field: yoga sociology. He categorizes typical studio clientele (one "hippie-dippie-ish yoga place" attracts "overweight, middle-aged, frizzy-haired therapist-esque women; they generally have a hard time not talking and look like they've never exercised before in their lives"), asks why Asian women, but not Asian men show up for public posing classes, and examines the clothing:
The occasional guy does show up in class wearing Lycra-ish shorts. When this happens, my mid-American background kicks into gear, and loudly. I look at this guy and think, "Dude! No!" Guys in stretch clothes? Rightly or wrongly -- and I can't seem to help this -- I leap to the conclusion that they're either 1) gay, or 2) from a Mediterranean background.
We can't wait for him to broaden our understanding of running kilts.

Saturday, June 19, 2004

BLOG, noun: THE NEXT BEST THING TO A REAL LIVE CONSERVATIVE 

I finally get to scoop our Northern Alliance brethren (admittedly Saturday is a slow blogging day)!

Although our local paper (reg. req. or try this workaround) doesn't seem to know enough conservatives to actually get a live quote (or maybe they just don't want to take the time to call, or experience the aggravation of talking to a righty), they've discovered a quick fix: Power Line!

Today a story ran about a Minneapolis Kerry fundraiser "that's basing its ticket prices on whether you are angry, livid, or mad as hell about the direction of the country." Glancing around for a bit of political diversity, the article ends:
A conservative political Web log, Powerline, posted the group's ticket categories Friday and opined that it was doubtful "a party that defines itself by hate and anger can command the support of a majority of Americans."

Lighten up, Logeland
[fundraiser's chief organizer] said.

"We just decided we wanted to do something a little bit funny," she said. "Rather than traditional sponsors, we'd just try to make it a little more interesting. ... It's a great marketing technique, and I can't tell you how many people have said that it's clever."
Yes King, you do need to start reading the Star Tribune. Rumor has it your blog is next to be quoted when the reporters feel pressure to include a conservative voice.

UPDATE: Hey Elder! I thought you had cancelled your subscription...

Friday, June 18, 2004

ROCK THE VOTE 

Voting for the new Northern Alliance logo ends tonight at midnight. Here's your chance to exert your expert influence on the motley crue.

TWISTED TITLE #29 

This week's incorrect children's title:
Uncle Eddie Will Feel Bad If You Don't Sit On His Lap
To see last week's title, click here.

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

PICK A PECK OF PICKLED VICE PRESIDENTS 

Bored political pundits have been amusing themselves with the quadrennial game of Eeny Meeny Miny Veep. Since Bush has already got one, this party is for the Kerry prize only.

Most pundits can't settle for just one choice but view this as a golden opportunity to write long boring essays mentioning anyone who could possibly be tapped. MSNBC reports "insiders" favor retired Marine Gen. Anthony Zinni. Stephan Moore at the National Review picks Arlen Specter, Kerry's "ideological soul mate." Martin Peretz of the New Republic recommends Eliot Spitzer. "Seinfeld" producer and "Curb Your Enthusiasm" star Larry David suggested himself (hey! it worked for Cheney).

But the most impressive reporting is found here:
"In my search for a vice-president, I considered many qualified men and women," Kerry said, announcing his decision at Boston University. "But one man stood apart from the madding crowd as brave, honest, and full of life. One man displayed a true desire to change America for the better—not through political maneuvering, but through hard work. That man was me, 35 years ago."

Monday, June 14, 2004

LICENSE TO SWILL 

"French" and "efficient" are not usually two words I think of in the same breath but I now need to change my tune. Turns out there's a new French wine dubbed Permis de Conduire ("permit to drive")--the term for a French driver's license--designed so you can drink a half bottle and still pass the Breathalyzer test when you're pulled over. In case you missed the point, the wine label mimics a French driver's license.

Pretty cool, non? Each bottle, which retails for 2 euros (about $2.50), is pretty small: good for only two glasses of wine. They claim that the average person can quaff a glass and still pass muster with the French government's draconian .05 blood-alcohol limit. Though how good a $1.25 glass of wine is remains to be seen.

Someone should slap a South Carolina driver's license on one of those cute minibottles here in the States. They'll make millions!

Sunday, June 13, 2004

ARE THEY SAYING THIS MICHAEL MOORE GUY IS OVERWEIGHT? 

The crack young staff of "The Hatemonger's Quarterly" has finally run out of ideas for posts. All they can come up with is disjointed musings:
Man, Michael Moore is really plump.

Although staple guns seem like a really good invention, their use can prove fraught with danger.

Of all the words in the English language, none is as fun to pronounce as "forklift."

Michael Moore sure doesn't eat like he's a Marxist.

We don't care what you say: Black licorice is simply revolting. And, no, we are not attempting any metaphorical social commentary.

“Speed-o” bathing suits tend to look really bad on men.

If Gary Coleman and Emmanuel Lewis got in a fight, we’d pick Gary Coleman to win. After all, he’s had to deal with far more personal hardship.

Michael Moore is so portly.
Oh wait ... just a dream sequence.

I should have known. You can't possibly fill up an entire blog up with Michael Moore references, can you?

Friday, June 11, 2004

IT'S A STICK-UP 

You know how parents attach admission stickers to the backs of little kids? (You don't? Well, now you do.) That way the kids don't notice them, peel them off and then cause a scene when they are forcibly ejected from the Play Place appearing on the sticker (not that I've ever seen anyone forcibly ejected for a non-sticker wearing violation but you never know).

Well it works on adults too. The three year put some Garfield stickers (aka "contraband") on my back this morning. My workplace is casual on Fridays, but not that casual. Plus, I loathe Garfield.

I'm consoling myself with a Manhattan at the moment.

EVENT WATCH 

Virginia Postrel is coming to the Twin Cities! She's speaking on Tuesday June 15 (6pm) at the Minneapolis Institute of Arts. About her book, "The Substance of Style," of course.

And don't forget to tune in to the Northern Alliance Radio Network this Saturday (and every Saturday), noon to 3pm. Well, if you're within 7 miles of Eagan, Minnesota that is (they're working on that Internet feed but they only got WiFi on May 25 so give it some time...). This week there's a contest and a special guest (Steven Hayward, author of "The Age of Reagan)."

UPDATE: contest link activated.

TWISTED TITLE #28 

This week's incorrect children's title:
Mommy and Daddy Didn't Really Go On Vacation--They're Making You a Ward of the State
To see last week's title, click here.

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

I LIKE THE PART ABOUT THE "ADONIS CHROMOSOME" 

Superstar geneticist Bryan Sykes is a pithy interviewee:
My guess is that the Y chromosome of every living man has spent at least one generation in the testis of a warlord
Sykes, the author of 2001 best seller "The Seven Daughters of Eve," has recently published a sort of sequel: "Adam's Curse: A Future Without Men." Besides transposing the Battle of the Sexes to the genetic realm, Sykes predicts the decline of the male gender:
By my estimate, in about 5,000 generations - 125,000 years - male fertility will be roughly 1 percent of what it is now. Mutations in Y chromosomes are already known to reduce male fertility. So I see a slow decline in men's fertility until, eventually, men can no longer breed naturally.
Silver lining? 125,000 years may be enough time for lots of easy boy-doesn't-meet-girl jokes to be made.

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

AND HERE'S A PIC OF ME ROBBING THAT BANK 

Predicting the ramifications of new technology is a nice cottage industry for some journalists but it's kind of like predicting the weather in Minnesota. The weathermen here are always incomplete (yesterday they said it would be warm; we ended up hitting a record); often they're just flat-out wrong. The bar being so low leads to an inordinate amount of amateur prognostication to add to all the professional missteps.

Take digital cameras. I guess it's predictable that gyms would start banning them, but it's a little surprising the New York subway system feels the need to follow suit (NYC Transit claims the ban will hamper terrorism)? And who would have thought that images shot by amateurs would spark one of the biggest news stories of the Iraq war.

It's a News of the Weird phenomenon: people actually use the cameras to document their own misdeeds! Which makes me wonder: does the presence of amateur photographers change people's behavior? Bad behavior could be staged solely for the camera's benefit. But it seems just as possible to me that taking pictures of behavior could take the place of committing even worse acts.

Today our local paper reported that after 2 squad cars collided "three or four teenage boys yelled at the officers and took pictures of them while the officers were disoriented." A "few members of the crowd were yelling that someone should take the officers' guns and badges. "That did not happen," said the police spokesman. Did the fact that the kids had taken the pictures increase or decrease the possibility of further mischief? Did it have any effect at all? We study the role of groups in leading to socially unacceptable behavior (sometimes it leads to improved performance). The effect of the ubiquitous availability of digital cameras seems also worthy of exploration.

Spitbull's prediction? It's gonna rain.

Monday, June 07, 2004

I LIVE IN POPVILLE 

The Warrior Monk once found a map showing purchase patterns for books about current politics fascinating. I find a map showing the distribution of generic names for soft drinks fascinating (via GeekPress).

If Mr. Campbell could just somehow correlate the names with the political leanings, perhaps Mr. W. Monk would show some interest and emerge from his rock. And, since we're making mapping requests here, I'd like one that shows us the "frappe"/"milkshake" divide. I'm sure it would be most illuminating.

Friday, June 04, 2004

TWISTED TITLE #27 

This week's incorrect children's title:
Go To Your Room and Play With Matches
To see last week's title, click here.

Thursday, June 03, 2004

GRANDFATHER ME IN 

Lileks thinks the ACLU's anti-cross crusade (against the official seal of the City of Los Angeles) is a case of bad prioritization. He's right. We need a legal concept that protects historical artifacts and customs against being destroyed in the name of modernity. It should be a balancing test (the law is chock full of these anyway): balance the harm caused by the historical artifact/custom against how cool it is. Kind of a laches concept, but dusted with aesthetics.

Italy has such a legal concept. It protects the reenactment of the battle of St. Constantine involving guys on horses trying to push other guys off their horses with sticks, all while galloping at break-neck speed around an old church ringed with cheering townspeople. Horses get hurt, people get hurt (all of which is lovingly videotaped and played over and over again in slow motion for visitors so we can understand the full glory of the experience even though it is late at night and I am dead tired and I don't understand the dialect). Of course, Italy has laws against cruelty to animals (and, I suppose, endangering spectators) all of which are violated by this spectacle. But it's cool, and it's been around for a long time so it's allowed to continue and I hope to go back and see it again someday.

Plus, come se dice, "slippery slope"? Dustbury admits that Oklahoma City's seal has a cross in it too. Eugene Volokh points out that the Spanish translation of "Los Angeles" is even more churchy than the seal and suggests that it be renamed. Then there's the Warrior "Monk"! Well, perhaps the ACLU could do some good there...

ACCUSED! 

Holy moly is Hugh sending some traffic our way today! And while we admit to not knowing the difference between Warren County, Ohio and the City of Warren, Ohio, this doesn't automatically lead to the conclusion that we fabricated his wish list. Any more than the fact that Hugh Hewitt can't tell a she (me, Eloise, discoverer of said list) from a he (the Warrior Monk, creator of this blog who hides under rocks and probably wouldn't know how to create a wish list if you held a gun to his head) means Hugh fabricated Spitbull. Sadly, we understand the only way to uncover the list's creator is to serve a subpoena on Amazon. So you'll just have to trust our word that we are innocent.

Ball's in your court, Hugh.

Wednesday, June 02, 2004

WE SHOULD HAVE LET THEM EAT CAKE 

Constitutional Law professor Paul F. Campos deconstructs the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal and finds not constitutional issues, but "fat issues" at its heart:
In fact, Monica's behaviour was characteristic of women who seek evidence that they possess an attractiveness to men that the culture tells them dozens of times a day is reserved for the sort of extraordinarily thin women they can never become. Similarly, Clinton's own self-destructive promiscuity can in part be understood as a symptom of the grown man who's never got over being the fat kid seeking affirmation of his desirability.

Despite all this, Clinton did his best - according to Dick Morris and others - to be 'good' during the 1992 presidential campaign and the first two years of his presidency. Perhaps not coincidentally this was the only period during Clinton's presidency when he was eating exactly what he wanted on a regular basis.
This revelation inspired Professor Campos to explore the role of fat in politics and "the world more generally." He recently published The Obesity Myth arguing that fat people can be healthier than thin folks. As an unfat but unhealthy person, I must reluctantly concede that he probably has a point.